I am always afraid. It isn’t a nice feeling. I realised that I want to get a piercing for my birthday during kink play, and hopefully in a sexual context. That I don’t feel bad about that part. It doesn’t make me afraid or ashamed. I do feel bad about what it might mean for me and my future safety.

I know a lot of nice people who I trust. I don’t feel bad about them helping me do this, and I trust them completely. I’m worried the idea of me doing, or even wanting this will be used against me. Used by abusers, knowing they can have it as a shield should they decide to use sharps or knives against me, or decide to rape or kill me. I worry the more I get into BDSM the more chance I have of my future rapist getting off the hook and me being blamed. For being a slut. For clearly being into “weird shit” and therefore in societies eyes of being a person wanting and deserving of abuse.

I know that no one is ever deserving and and I certainly wouldn’t be to blame for my own abuse, rape or murder. However I know because of who I am and my situation that it will be used against me should the worst happen. Worst of all abusers know this and chose targets accordingly. That’s simply a fact.

I worry about doing anything that could bring me more danger, harm and hurt than I’ve already been saddled with. I’m afraid of society and what they’re going to allow to be some ot me, and what they will to do to me.

I’ve seen things happen friends who among other things had therapy records and history of kink brought up against them at the trial of their rapist, as proof of consent. I have seen this used against sex work friends, queer friends, trans friends, kinky and disabled friends. None of us are safe from Society.

Being kinky isn’t consent. Nor poly, nor comfortable with your sexuality.

I’m tired of not being allowed to be vulnerable. I want to enjoy my life and my body and my love. I found people that I can be vulnerable with. I want to be allowed to be vulnerable on my own terms, with those terms understood, taken, and used in context, and always respected. Things that should go without saying but simply cannot, apparently. It doesn’t mean we don’t trust our friends and loved ones. It means some of us aren’t comfortable painting targets on ourselves.

This is why I am always afraid. I don’t want to let that stop me from living life but I don’t know if it will anyway. I hope that people can understand this is why I’m reluctant to do things that I want to do. Vulnerability isn’t just scary, it’s legitimately dangerous. Something that for many of us, myself included, are reminded of endlessly and involuntarily. Trauma is a horrid weed.

This post probably have lots of grammar and spelling issues. I’m on the wine again this weekend. If you relate to this at all I’m sorry to hear that friend. I hope that you can do the things and kind your best life.

I hope I can play for my birthday and get a peircing. It seems like a lot of fun.