Where did Aeryn go? Back from my Sex Work & Porn Hiatus.

 

I’m back. Hello! I won’t be filming full time but I will start updating the site more again. I have 3+ years worth of unedited footage that I was too mentally unwell to be able to edit and enjoy, but I’m feeling ready to jump into the mix again. And not in a ‘well I i guess I have to get back to this at some point’ thing. I want back in, for me. For fun. The way it was when I first started blogging and making smut just over 10 years ago. A whole decade of smut, geekiness, weirdness and things online. Feels weird. Anyway…

 

Why did I leave porn & sex work?
Many reasons.

 

I decided to make this change for many reasons. Financial stability, mental health, forced self worth and income that isn’t based off appearance and the problems that causes me.

I’ve been away from porn and sex work for a whole year as many have noticed. I set up some auto uploads on my website and turned off my escort profiles. I’ve been working a mainstream customer service and administration job that I’m great at and I enjoy. The hours and pay are stable, I like the company and my co-workers are all wonderful, lovely, fun people. I have not regretted this change for a single day.

I’ve been wanting to come back and blog, film and do fun stuff for a few months now but didn’t know where to start, so I’m going to start here.

Smiley selfie feeling actually sexy

Forced self worth focus that isn’t about my looks has been great for me.

 

I’m more than my appearance. It’s something we all “know” but can be impossible to actually feel in our current society, esp in a job where your worth and income is often derived from your looks and performance / persona directly. The obsession / forced regime of self abuse and control was a slippery slope that I slid down without really noticing how far I’d fallen. Sex work and porn work online is often like episode 1, season 3 of Black Mirror’s Nose Dive. When working full time in certain industries your existence depends on how much people like you directly. When you work for yourself often every minute you work directly correlates to your earnings and quality of life in the now and in the future. Mix those two things together and you end up with workaholics on never ending performance benders that are unsustainable – at least in my case.

Rachel, a youtuber I follow who vlogs about her life in Japan with her husband Jun (

Rachel is not a sex worker or porn person, just a regular vlogger) recently talked about her struggles with being a workaholic. Listening to her describe the effect that online work took on her and how set off an alarm bell in my head and validated what I’d been feeling for a long time.

Stepping away from porn and sexwork as well as starting on my medication have been the best things to date for me. I’m excited to be back, remembering that my website and projects don’t have to be something I owe other people. It can be something for me. If people aren’t into it they can leave. They don’t pay my bills anymore and I don’t depend on them. I don’t have to care anymore and I acknowledge that I am truly privileged, and I feel wonderfully free.

 

A Year away from Porn & Sex Work Online: What I’ve been up to

  • Got a mainstream job.
  • I’ve gotten fat. Chubby. Stretch marks. I’m ok with it, sort of. (Nothing too obscene as size 14AU, but thats practically BBW obese by porn standards. Debate it with me till hell freezes over. I may not agree with it rationally or morally but thats how society views things and they are the ones with the power.Be offended if you will)
  • I’m thinking of getting a personal trainer to help with weight lifting. I really want to be strong so I can wrestle and lift heavy pots and things.
  • Realised I have a food fetish and that people will bully me for it, esp as I’m chubby now, but whatever. Haters & all that. Pudding is magic, I’m not 21 any more. I might talk about this later at some point if anyone’s interested.
  • Better self esteem over all. No more anxiety about silly things.
  • Worse body self esteem but less fucks given over all. I blame society.
  • Realized I’m a negative nancy, prepper, conspiracy theorist when it comes to tech, privacy, security and the future. It is what it is.
  • Medication. Anti Anxiety medication I clearly should have been on since the age of 5. Very effective. Finally accepting that my issues are a flaw in chemistry not character.
  • Started collecting plants. Booping plants is excellent fun. Keep the air nice. Some pics of my current favorites:
  • Building up Non-Sex Work job XP & rep for retirement and safety. Going well.
  • Mainstream work job security & financial stability (even with a lower income than I had with sw).. Love me stable paycheques.
  • Respect from society for my mainstream work. The people at the bank asked if I wanted to talk loans! Being respected it really freakin weird. How sad is that?
  • Losing / fading out from sex work friendships. I miss my community & my friends.
  • Tech for filming porn is way outta hand. 4k / 8k / 1 trillion k tech evolution. I will never catch up. I accept this and will pick the format that suits me instead of trying to fit into high tech. It’s never gonna happen.
  • Realised I lost my love for porn filming a long time ago and never really got to make what I wanted. When it’s profit vs passion but your life depends on the gig, profit wins.
  • Nailing down what I’m actually passionate about for.
  • Podcast (more like audio blogging I suppose).
  • Art. I miss art.
  • Blogging about nerdy or sexy stuff without being letting anxiety about inevitable online abuse re fake geek girl status, not knowing everything about a topic, whotephobia etc. Also pedestals. STOP PUTTING SEX WORKERS & NERD GIRLS ON PEDESTALS M’KAY?
  • Posting things I like online without being afraid it will ruin my reputation / persona / brand. It’s not my work anymore so if things crash and burn so be it. I want to be happy to be myself again!
  • I like kinky sex and I don’t want to film it. I want it to be for me. And thats awesome. Good for me.

 

Highlight Pics from the last year:

 

Aeryn Walker & Morgana Muses : Fav club bathroom sticker graffiti

 

 

Fur, Lace & Velvet: fashion for me. Fuck profitable beauty, I’m out.

 

 

Best street art Melbourne 2017: Calling it

 

 

In Summary:

I keep trying to blog or start a podcast or do all these things I want to do but every time I just can’t. Anxiety stops me. Society’s expectations stop me. The fear of anti-sexwork crusaders taking my life experiences out of context to use me as a political porn stops me. I worry that I always sound negative no matter what I try to talk about. However I shouldn’t let that hold me back.

 

I’m a negative nancy, so be it. Part of talking about politics, sex and geek life is dealing with the things that are ugly & nitty gritty. Unfortunately those things don’t mix well with profitable sexy things. Sad things don’t create many boners which are honestly what pays the most. Sad but once again it is what it is.

Hopefully I can bypass my anxiety and fear of haters / SJWs / MRAs / SWERFs / laterally violent queer & feminist culture / general online people, and just do my thing. I know that a few people continue to read my blog no matter how far and between my updates. I see the stats.

I see you.

Talk with me. If you want to hear me write about something, ask me. There is a real person on the other end of this website who wants to talk with you. Although that said, like prof. Brian Oblivion; monologue is my preferred method of discourse. So let me know what you want me to chat about and I’ll yell it into the void via my keyboard.

Xox Aeryn.

PS: I’ve missed you smutty weird social geeky internet.

PPS: I got glasses.

 

3 Comments

  1. thegardener68

    Hi gorgeous.

    It is great to see you back.

    I know I may be in the minority, but I see all people as fragile human beings. We all have issues, and I think most people battle with being their true self.

    I, myself, live my days as the mild mannered office worker, I have a passion for artistic kink related photography. But, whilst I would love to indulge my passion, which I have dabbled in, in the past. But, I battle with the joy of having anxiety issues, along with the life long battle with Lupus, that can just suck the life out of me.

    I also now live in country NSW, with family responsibilities. I did live in boho Brunswick, in Melbourne for 10 years. I loved my time their. I found people that I felt comfortable being around, that I could start to be the true me.

    Whilst I love the work you do, I sense, there is an interesting person, behind your commercial persona. I would love to see you blog, more about yourself, from the snippets I have seen, you remind me of the friends I had in Brunswick, that I felt comfortable being around.

    So in summary, I look forward to hearing about, you being you.

  2. Pingback: 23 Things I Wish I'd Known: #18: Loneliness, Boredom, and Isolation Are Choices — Lola Davina's Blog - Lola Davina - Naughty Nerdy - Aeryn Walker

Comments are closed.